What a productive week of therapy it has been. I’ve been feeling particularly frustrated that our “2011″ start date for our adoption process isn’t making my dh jump with joy. He’s the one who wants to wait and waiting until 2011 is a huge sacrifice and feeling like an impossible feat at times, so I should expect that when I agree to wait until 2011 I should be showered with enthusiasm from my dh. Or not. Dh doesn’t scream with excitement, he doesn’t kiss me and thank me and smile like I just announced that the Detroit Lions won the superbowl. No, he just says “I’m glad we can wait”. It was apparent that his less-than-enthusiastic response was not sufficient for me. I’m not putting myself through the hell and agony of pregnant women, babies, and childless holidays for my dh to simply be “glad”. Glad isn’t good enough, not when I’m trying to find my way out of hell. I love him. I really do. But my pain is not worth his ‘glad’. I’ve actually having a tough time that my pain is worth his ‘anything’, because I’m convinced that there is not a polar opposite feeling that he will experience to my grief. If we wait until 2011 and I endure many more friends & families pregnancies, adorable little babies that are born that I don’t get to take home forever, waking up Christmas morning without a child to shower with presents, another Halloween without an all-day costume shopping event….if I endure all of that, what could he possible experience that is so euphoric that it has been worth my pain? I’m not sure that type of happiness is possible (without, of course, a baby…of which, all happiness is possible). So, clearly his ‘glad’ reaction is not sufficient for me.
We discussed this very issue with our therapist on Tuesday. I was so relieved to here her response. Through an hours session she devoted her time to explaining to me that my dh does not have passionate feelings the way I do. He will probably never be more than ‘glad’ to start the process at any particular time, because he is so flexible with it. We could start January 2011 and he’d be glad or we could start February 2011 and he’d be equally glad. There isn’t a “perfect” time in his mind so there is not a time in which I’ll get the euphoric screams and unending smile when I suggest a date. While this may seem like such a simple reality that I should have understood about my dh long ago, I didn’t realize it, and understanding it brough to me a peace beyond explaination. I was so afraid that I was making this enormous sacrifice to accomodate my dh’s desire to enjoy some time in our marriage alone and that he was not satisfied with my sacrifice. I wasn’t sure I could make the 2011 sacrifice, I often feel that it is too much for me to handle, so the thought that it wasn’t ‘good enough’ for him was devestating to me. I am able to breathe a bit easier this week knowing that my sacrifice is ‘good enough’ for my dh. I now need to find away for it to be good enough for me too.
The second wonderful realization that therapy brought to me this week is that I don’t have to forget about my baby until 2011. I cannot explain why I’ve thought this way, but I have felt that by my dh asking that we wait until 2011 to adopt a baby because he wants to enjoy our time ‘now’, that I should somehow forget about my baby until 2011. Thank God, I don’t have to do this! I can plan all I want! I can research adoption agencies (although, I’m not sure there are many in states I want to consider that I have not researched), plan my nursery, prepare our home, and talk about the baby we will adopt all I want! Ahhh….another bit of relief for me this week! I’ve equated waiting until 2011 with waiting to think, dream, or plan about my baby. Now that I know I’m free to continue thinking, dreaming, and planning for my baby; I know I can at least get part of my baby hunger fulfilled by my mental ramblings.
